BY DANIEL BAIG | In todays soundbite world, youd better be pretty confident in your movie product if youre going to give it a name that lends itself to obvious jokes. Case in point  Novocaine. I mean, its almost too easy: Id rather have a root canal than sit through this movie! or Youre going to need a shot of Novocain to endure Novocaine, or the simple, cut-to-the-bone, Novocaine left me numb.

Well, the people behind Novocaine would appear to have confidence galore. Not only did they affix that easy-target name to their film, but they also decided to open the movie on the same day (today, Friday the 16^th) as a little thing called Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone.

Well, the thing about confidence is  its often misplaced.

I.e. unjustified.

As it certainly is here.. . Unless . . .

There is actually another possible explanation for Artisans choice of this particular date for the release of Novocaine. (The on-the-surface, ostensible reason claimed, I presume, would be that its a counter-programming strategy, i.e. moviegoers not interested in the adventures of a certain prepubescent Limey wizard, seeking alternative fare this weekend, will go see Novocaine. Personally, I think adult audiences who dont want to see Harry will have enough common sense, or just plain fear, to keep away from the multiplexes for a week or two so as to stay far from the madding crowd. (No apologies to Thomas Hardy. He made me suffer enough in high school having to slog through The Mayor of Casterbridge.))

And this other possible explanation, while deeply cynical, has the movie itself as piece of Evidence #1. (And Im a critic. Im supposed to be cynical. Its what makes me entertaining.) This theory is that everyone behind Novocaine KNOWS that its going to get absolutely, totally lost in the dust cloud of box office grosses that Harry is going to leave behind in the wake of his broomstick. They KNOW its going to vanish, as if Hermione had cast a spell of invisibility on it.

Theyre counting on it, as a matter of fact.

For then theyll be able to blame its failure on the date. Oh, yeah, in hindsight we probably shouldnt have released it on the same day as the most anticipated movie of the year [well, for the under-12 set. Myself, Im looking forward to The Fellowship of the Ring more.] Oh well. And it will probably then end up doing pretty well as a video rental, because folks wandering into Blockbuster four months from now will look at the box and say, Gee honey, look at this. Its that Steve Martin movie that came out a few months ago. We missed it, didnt we? And hey, its got that English chick from Fight Club in it, and Laura Dern, shes good, I guess this is what shes been doing besides the Jurassic Park movies, oh, and isnt that Kevin Bacon in this picture on the back of the box? Hes not listed on the front, it must be one of those surprise cameo things. Why dont we get this? Theyre out of copies of Black Knight, anyway.

And as a video, people wont mind as much that its pretty darn bad. Because as we all know, it seems as if nowadays seeing something at home automatically lowers the bar for what qualifies as an entertaining movie. I cant stand, It was good enough for a rental, but I hear it all the time. (I really dont get it, though. Youve STILL given up two hours or so of your life which youre never going to get back.)

And by earning almost zero attention when its a theatrical release, the people involved with Novocaine who do actually have very respected careers (Martin, Bonham Carter, Dern) will suffer a lot less embarrassment, and be able to leave it off their resumes without anyone really noticing the omission in years to come.

Because all those easy jokes I made at the beginning? Theyre all honestly applicable.

I truly, truly wanted to be drugged shortly into this movie, because it was pretty unbearable to have to sit there and watch it. I was squirming in my seat and grimacing, and I didnt even get a lollipop when it was over.

People are always saying to me, Oh, you get to see movies for free. It must be nice! To which I always reply, Well, it is when theyre good.

But when theyre like Novocaine, it really is work.

And what makes it worse is, since I also do the junkets for these films, I feel bad telling the truth about them when they stink, because the stars are usually very nice people to talk to. Steve Martin was charming, gracious, and sweet enough to autograph my copy of his book for me. So I really hate to slam his movie. (If youre reading this Steve, which thankfully is probably not too likely, thanks for the signature, and Im really sorry about this review.)

But I do have to tell the truth, and the truth is Novocaines a dog. At least Im not going to be alone with that sentiment. I know this because of the print ads which have been appearing in newspapers for a while now. It seems one of the only TWO positive quotes the marketing people were able to find for Novocaine is from Earl Dittman of Wireless Magazine, a publication which I have never been able to find anyone whos actually seen. (Though I do know that Earl does at least exist, unlike David Manning; Ive seen him at junkets.) And you KNOW youre in trouble when the best quote you can find is from Earl. Its just about the worst thing to possibly have appear in your ad, with the possible exception of the phrase, FROM THE PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT YOU BATTLEFIELD EARTH.

Novocaine starts out very promisingly: its opening credits are highly memorable. While a VERY effective, unnerving theme by Danny Elfman plays, we see X-ray films of people engaged in various activities like eating, talking, putting on makeup, etc. Since it looks like skeletons doing all these things, in one case a skeleton wearing a wedding ring, its all VERY creepy. The main problem is, this is the highlight of the movie.

The other problem is, this is an absolutely fantastic credits sequence  for a horror movie. (Or a science-fiction movie.) The same goes for the music. Its scary. But Novocaine is not a horror movie. Its supposed to be a very black comedy. I think. Or maybe its supposed to be a color film noir mystery. Its not clear. It doesnt seem like the filmmakers knew themselves. The tone of the piece is all over the place. Which anyone who knows about movies can tell you is a great recipe for failure.

Theres occasionally  very occasionally  some rather funny stuff. But its clearly not a comedy. The mystery, meanwhile, isnt very mysterious. If youre even half-awake (which is, to be sure, not something to be assumed is automatically going to be the case with this movie), you figure out who the villain is LONG before the hero and heroine do.

Now, I always try and mention any good points about a movie. Novocaine has three, in addition to the opening credits sequence which Ive already mentioned. One is the very ending. Its actually clever (though it has a SERIOUS, HUGE problem which you should immediately spot; its hard to imagine the filmmakers werent aware of it, which leads one to believe that once again moviemakers are insulting the audience by assuming were too stupid to notice or care. Without giving too much away, Ill just say that video cameras arent smart enough to only record whats convenient for the plot to work. Actually, it has two problems. The other one is that a shotgun blast to the head from point blank range doesnt actually leave a head behind). Its a very satisfying resolution, if you can make it that long (and if you can stomach movie gore).

The second good thing is a small subplot involving Kevin Bacon as an idiotic Hollywood star, and Keith David as a homicide detective who is letting this star actually run part of a murder investigation for research for a role. Theyre both very funny, and the scene where Bacon interrogates Martin, who cant believe the detective is allowing this, is great.

And the final positive thing about Novocaine is Scott Caan, who gives the movies only believable performance. Hes excellent as a hair-trigger-tempered hothead. Unfortunately, his character departs the story far too early. When hes gone, so is everything interesting on the screen.

Steve Martin, Helena Bonham Carter, and Laura Dern, on the other hand, all turn in what is without a doubt the worst work of their careers. Helenas not actually terrible, but shes not very good either, which is shocking for someone as talented as she is; it sure seems as if she didnt much care about the role. She gives a quite passionless performance, basically playing a second-rate knockoff of her character in Fight Club. Most egregiously, her American accent slips noticeably on a number of occasions, actually falling off entirely at one point. For an actor of her skills and reputation, thats outrageously lazy.

Martin and Dern, on the other hand, are just plain awful. Steve Martin has proven before that in addition to being a natural comic actor, he can also do drama  see Pennies from Heaven or The Spanish Prisoner. But this is awful miscasting. Hes supposed to be playing the archetypal sucker whose life gets ruined by a femme fatale, if Novocaine is meant to be a modern take on classic noir. But instead of seeming believable, he seems like a comedian trying to get jokes in a dramatic role where there arent any jokes. Its truly embarrassing to watch. And the same goes for Dern.

Actually, not only is Martins performance embarrassing to watch, its also excruciating to listen to. This being a noir tribute or something, were forced to listen to god-awful narration from him.

Probably the worst thing about his performance is his ANTI-chemistry with Helena Bonham Carter. ANTI because it goes well beyond having zero chemistry. Hes supposed to be compelled to willingly destroy his life because of his attraction to her. Yet the first time he kisses her it looks more like hes acquiescing to torture. His character isnt supposed to be gay, but that would at least offer a compelling explanation.

Also, and this criticism may itself be justifiably criticized for being superficial and subjective, but  as a couple Martin and Bonham Carter are downright creepy. He TOWERS over her, in addition to the decades in age differential.

In any case, when about three quarters of the way through Novocaine I found myself watching Steve Martin first climb out through one of those skylights all bathrooms in movie motels (and ONLY bathrooms in movie motels) have, and then scamper around on a roof evading the police, I started to feel real sorry for him, but even sorrier for myself. At least he got paid a lot of money. I had to endure Novocaine, and I didnt even get my teeth cleaned.